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  • Noran Zahran

Change in Marriage Behaviors

Change in Marriage Behaviors

 

One of the common behaviors specially in western marriages that needs to change, or should have a second thought about doing it, it requires long pause and re-evaluation and re-thinking, as it should make a huge change.

 

Are you wondering which one we are talking about now? there are few of them honestly.

But today we are aiming to change only one of them.

 

Changing names, this is the one I am concerned about and explaining why here today.

 

I am talking about the female, the bride, the wife, changing her family name to join or have the male, the groom, the husband’s name.

 

The question here is why? It is a Big WHY? What is the actual reason behind it? What is the real benefit? Why most or even everyone does the same by following this path up till now? even after all this freedom and education and understandings.

Do not say or answer it is love, because it is not.

 

Did you ever think about it seriously and in depth? What was the root of it? When did it start? Why is it still going on and continuing till now? Why is it applied mainly in the western countries only now?

 

Before we go further, let me explain one thing here that might make my point more clear or understandable better.

 

When you go and buy a car, they register it under your name, to prove that it belongs to you only. The car has no identity, no personal identification, it has features, it has model name, it has color, but at the end of the day there is thousands of them, so to separate them or to identify them separately, we need to add the owner’s name to it, so we would say, Mr. X car, Mr. Y car and so on.

 

To differentiate it from other owners or from other cars from the same model or brands which are still out there available for purchase by others later on or has purchased by others before even.

 

This same concept applies to almost everything you buy or own, land, houses, animals, almost everything, even kids.

When you have kids, they must be named after you the man, the father to identify them or separate them from other kids, those kids are mine, I am the father, I am the one has them, they belong to me, I am the one responsible of making them or bringing them, those are my kids not anyone else kids.

 

So, all of the above is good and make since and logic, except changing the woman’s name. why?

 

Because you do not own me sir, you did not buy me, I am not one thing of your belongings that you added to your assets or collectives.

 

I am a separate human being who choose willingly to join you in the life journey we share. We are equal humas.

 

I have separate entity, separate identification, separate mind, and separate will, I do have separate name too. I must carry my own father’s name. You do not own me at any point through our relation, now or after or ever.

 

Again, the question here why they are doing it? Still after all these years of modernization and civilization?

 

Let us go back in time to see where did it start? It started when they use to buy humans, men, and women as slaves, so they have to identify them with the owner’s name, the Master who bought them, as they increase his power and strength, his control, his authority.

Was not this the case?

 

So why when they stopped the slavery and human trafficking, it stopped for the men, as no man is still buying other men anymore. why did not stop for women too?

Why women still follow or have the master’s name?

 

In Islam, the real pure Islam, which is mentioned in the Quran book, not what the men (even Muslim men, they are the same gender after all), what men are trying to say or convince the ignorant who do not read the actual words to know the real truth and what is mentioned their according to God’s words about women in general.

  

The woman has separate name, separate identity, separate will, separate financial accounts. All men and women are treated by God equally, in everything you can imagine in life, has the same obligations, and same responsibilities, has same rewards and rights for the same actions.

(Actually, women have more in general in Islam, but this is not our main point now to discuss or explain.)

 There is No, any kind of separation, segregations, or differentiations whatsoever, nothing from what they claim it is there in the Quran.

 

Back to our point.

So, what is the truth here and why? The truth is, it is the game of power, the controlling part.

 

Yes, it is the game of power, who has more power than the other, who has the upper hand, who is the leader and who is the follower? Who has control, the full control?

 

It is a male versus female gender issue or fight, nothing more in real. This is everywhere globally with all nations eastern and western. I agree that God has chosen men to lead and spend more, but we are still partners, walking side by side.

 

In the United States for example, up till now despite all efforts and acts, some women are getting paid less than the men for the same job position.

No woman has reached or succeeded to reach to the president position yet.?

 

While women have ruled their counties in many places long time ago, India (Indira Gandhi 1966), United Kingdom (Margaret Thatcher 1979), Pakistan (Benazir Bhutto 1988), and so many elsewhere, there is even more in the recent years. Then the question is why is this?

 

Why are we generally focusing more on women bodies not their brain and their characters in general and wide enough, especially in the USA? We are not less than those by any means or in any ways.

 

Why are we leading this path and inviting everyone everywhere globally to follow us?

(with the exceptions of some cases and few examples)

 

Why are we designing all attires and clothes to show or reveals more of the women’s bodies? Who is in reality watching or enjoying them all the time everywhere?

Please everyone, answer the truth. (they are the men).

 

Do not you think that it is the time now that every woman who reads this, pause for a while, think seriously and honestly about it and take positive action, or make positive change now and forever.

 

Do not you think it is the time now to start concentrating on our minds, our brains, our souls, our identity more than our bodies or the way we look. Do not you think that the time has changed already, but our mentalities in so many things never changed much to match this rapid change worldwide or globally.

 

If you are talking about equality, real equality, and trying to apply it seriously and honestly, instead of fighting, or debating, or making issues out of nothing, or go do men’s jobs like fighting for example, this is men only jobs, trying to prove what? Women are supposed to be delicate, nice creatures, not strong, tough worriers.

 

Instead of all this, think and ask yourself, why are you willingly giving it up without thinking or having a good reason for doing it? then you come and complain later on, or try to prove the obvious, which is we are equal and should have the same rights.

 

If you really want to have equality, start proving it to yourself first, be convinced that you are separate human being, do not change your name, have a separate bank account, and separate financial assets, when getting married, open another joint account and name it home account.

Each one of you (the husband and wife puts equal monthly payment in this account that will cover all the life expenses required to run the house).

 

For example, if we need like 2X amounts to live comfortably each month, so each one will deposit in the home account X amount, or maybe be more generous and deposit extra if you are making more, so you would have even more than the essentials required for each month.

 

 Keep the rest of what you are doing in your personal separate bank account, this is for both men and women if both are working, and both are making money.

 

So, each one can use the rest of his money to pay or cover his personal loans, family obligations, student loans, charity, whatsoever reason without affecting their house or their lives together or their kids.

 Taking into consideration that most of the time their income is not the same, neither their obligations too, so it is not fair to affect the other partner negatively.

 This should reduce and minimize the fights and problems between them too to a far extend.

 

What if the woman is not working? Still have a separate personal bank account, again apply the same home account concept, and when it comes to your personal account, the husband should pay you separate money that will go to your personal account , again depending on his income, it is not a fixed amount that you have to ask, to cover your personal needs, so you do not have to ask him all the time every time you need to buy something, or exceed the budget.

 

you have to inform him as a partner, but he is doing it out of love, taking care of her, being responsible of her, to save her face and pride and her emotions, by asking all the time, again to make her feel kind of independent, these are some of the reasons.

 

 

he is not paying her to do her part in this sharing agreement, as some claims. he is simply giving her out of love and respect, this was the rule. women started to go out to do extra work again to help more and get more money to this house, or to make her own living expenses if she was not married yet.

 

remember the target here is that we are on this together, everyone has a share that he or she is doing, it is a joint journey, it is one boat that we are in, both of us is riding it to the same destination, we are sailing to the same direction, we are not in a fight or struggle to prove who is stronger, who has more, who can make more, who is powerful than the other or is more successful than the other, who can take more from the opposite side neither, or who can abuse the other side, all of this is not in the definition of marriage or the purpose or the idea of doing it at all.

 

Remember in real marriage the main target and the main concept, is real sharing, real complementing each other, real satisfying, integrating, giving, building, respecting, taking care of each other, advising, and taking care of our house, our life, our kids that we decided to make together which we should raise all the way together, this was the aim and the target to start with, not one of the parents disappear leaving the full responsibility for the other side, no matter what was the reason, it is wrong doing, which is increasing too much nowadays without real good reason for it except being selfish, careless and stupid.

 

We must bear all the consequences of this marriage decision when starting it and for the long term, that is why it was eternal bind and indefinite joint.

It is about matching more than separation, it is about souls and spirits more than bodies and flesh, it is about Support, kindness, and bonding not fighting or destroying or owning or controlling.

It is about building healthy society, strong nation, not individual sexual pleasure.

 

Which lead us to the other question situation that needs another pause, think, and act to change, which is sharing a life without a commitment.

This idea most probably was created by one man or some men who share the same ideology, who does want to be committed or responsible of his actions. Or maybe some bad women who are not good enough to be a wife and a mother but looking to satisfy her sexual needs only.

 

I am talking here about this myth of a boyfriend or a girlfriend thing.

They can live a full life, sexual, financial, even having kids for some of them, then after years, they can break up and leave.

Go look for another one or another partner to start all over again.

 

 Do not you think that we reached a point now that needs serious and more effective actions, reevaluation, re considering, rethinking?

Especially after having these huge numbers of broken, homeless, damaged, emotionally, and physically sick humans, from all genders, men, women and kids.

 

Can we ask our selves the question, why are we still doing this after all this time, after proving the wrong results? After all these increasing damages of souls and broken hearts and life destroying especially in the young teen ages?

 

Can we search and learn more about the real meaning of a commitment, the meaning of real family, the real meaning of happiness and success.

Ask ourselves, men and women, are we ready to start a family and deal with all the consequences, obligations, duties, and the surprises during the trip down the road? and being really responsible and committed no matter it takes or not? Not in a sick bad way of course.

 

 My advice to all of you, do not bring kids to life if you are in doubt.  

 

Thanks for reading and considering. Noran F Zahran

wrote on, Sep 20, 2023

published on, Dec 19, 2023

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